


Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

by thequidditchpitch_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Post-War, Romance, The Quidditch Pitch: Eternity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-12
Updated: 2010-07-12
Packaged: 2018-10-26 12:52:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10787103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequidditchpitch_archivist/pseuds/thequidditchpitch_archivist
Summary: Dudley brings home an unwelcome guest for dinner.





	Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

Petunia Dursley put the finishing touches to the dinner she had spent all day preparing:  all of Dudley’s favorites, including a pudding topped with whipped cream and sugared violets.  She looked up as Vernon lumbered into the kitchen.

 

“Smells good,” he said, sniffing appreciatively.  “But aren’t you going to a lot of trouble?  Dudders isn’t serious about this girl.”

 

“You don’t know that,” Petunia said briskly, carefully removing a sizzling pork roast from the oven.  “She’s the first girl he’s ever brought home.  We want to make a good impression; her father’s a magazine editor.”

 

“Probably some cheap rag no one’s ever heard of,” Vernon muttered.  “What did he say her name was?  Laura?”

 

“Luna,” Petunia supplied.  “Luna Lovegood.  They’ll be here any minute.  Try to be agreeable, Vernon.  Dudley‘s twenty-two years old, and he’s almost a university graduate.  We can’t pick his girlfriends for him.”     

 

“I‘m always agreeable!” Vernon snapped.  The last thing he wanted was to waste an evening with some tart his son had probably picked up in a bar. 

 

**~.~.~.~.~.~.**

 

****Dudley glanced at the girl in the passenger seat.  Catching her eye, he smiled.

 

“Don’t be nervous,” he said.  “I know Harry warned you about my parents, but they‘ve calmed down a lot since he last saw them.”

 

“What if they don’t like me?” Luna asked anxiously.  “Am I suitably dressed for dinner in a Muggle house?  Ginny helped me get ready.  She wouldn’t let me wear my radish earrings.” 

 

“You look fine, and I like those earrings.  I like everything about you,” Dudley said.  He reached over and squeezed Luna’s hand.

 

“Just be yourself with my parents,” he advised. 

 

**~.~.~.~.~.~.**

 

Petunia watched through a crack in the curtains as Dudley and the girl alighted from his car.  She was pretty enough, but her lacy black dress was too short and low-cut for Petunia’s taste.  She was obviously not used to high heels; Dudley caught her elbow as she stumbled.  The handbag she carried looked like a feed sack.  

 

“Come on, let’s get it over with,” Vernon grumbled, drawing his wife to the front door as Dudley and his guest entered.  

 

Petunia pasted a smile on her face as Dudley introduced the girl.  Up close, she was not as pretty as Petunia had thought.  Her eyes were oddly protuberant, and the black eyeliner she wore gave her the look of a startled raccoon.  Vernon managed to look pleasant as he shook the girl’s outstretched hand.  

 

"Dinner’s all ready,” Petunia said.  “Do either of you want to wash up?”

 

Instead of answering, Luna stared fixedly at the carpet.  

 

“Miss Lovegood?  Do you want to wash your hands?” Petunia repeated.

 

"Your carpet is infested with skerflugles, Mrs. Dursley,” Luna said calmly.  

 

Vernon and Petunia exchanged startled glances as Dudley cleared his throat.  

 

“That‘s a good idea, Mum.  We’ll be right back,” he said, leading Luna upstairs.

 

“What did she mean by that?  I had the carpet shampooed only last week,” Petunia exclaimed, kneeling and running her fingers over the nap.  “I don’t see anything.  What are skerflugles?”

 

“She’s barking mad,” Vernon said shortly.  “I saw that immediately.  God only knows where Dudley met her.  As soon as we’ve eaten, tell them we’re going to a movie.  Anything to get rid of her!”

 

Petunia nervously served the food.  Dudley ate heartily, but Luna ignored the slice of meat on her plate.   

 

“Don’t you like pork, Miss Lovegrove?” Vernon inquired.  

 

“It’s Lovegood.  I’m sure it’s very good, but I’m a vegetarian,” she explained.  “I guess Dudley forgot to tell you.”

 

“I didn’t know,” Dudley said in surprise.  “You were eating a hamburger the first time I saw you.  We met at the coffee shop near campus,” he added by way of explanation.

 

“It was a veggie burger.  I don’t eat murdered animals,” Luna said, casting a disapproving eye on the roast.

 

“Well, I’m sorry we don’t have anything that suits you,” Vernon said rudely, glaring at Luna.  

 

“The potatoes and carrots are fine,” Luna said hastily.  “That pudding looks delicious.  I love pudding.”

 

“By the way, Dudley, there‘s an opening for you at Grunnings,” Vernon said, turning to his son.  “I’m putting you over accounts.”

 

Dudley frowned.

 

“What happened to Mr. Carstairs?  He’s been the accounts manager ever since I can remember.  Did he retire?”

 

“No, I’m letting him go next week.  His work is no longer acceptable, and he‘s gotten lazy,” Vernon shrugged.  

 

“I worked for him last summer, and he did a great job.  He was the first in and the last to leave every day, and he taught me a lot,” Dudley protested.

 

“We‘re moving in a different direction now, and we need someone younger,“ Vernon said shortly, avoiding Dudley’s eyes.

 

“You’ll do a wonderful job, Dudley,” Petunia said brightly.  “It’s so fortunate that your father has a position all ready and waiting for you.  So many new graduates end up waiting tables.”

 

Dudley stood up. “You’re firing Mr. Carstairs so I can have his job, aren’t you?” he exclaimed in disgust.  “Don‘t you know that discharging an employee because of his age is illegal?  You‘ll get slapped with a huge lawsuit.”

 

“Dudley!  Your father would never do such a thing,” Petunia cried indignantly.  

 

“Dad?” Dudley persisted.  

 

“We’ll talk about it later,” Vernon said coldly.  “Petunia, serve the pudding.”  

 

“I’ll help you, Mrs. Dursley,” Luna offered, eyeing the pudding with childlike delight.  

 

“Wait a minute, Luna,” Dudley said.  “Dad, I’m not taking the job. I’ll find something else.”

 

“What do you mean, you’ll find something else?  I planned to bring you into Grunnings from the day you were born!” Vernon roared.  

 

“I expected to start at the bottom and work my way up, not take a job away from a hardworking employee with twenty years’ experience.  I think Luna and I will be leaving now.”

 

“Can’t we stay for the pudding?” Luna begged. 

 

“Go on and leave, then.  You’ll come crawling back when you see how hard it is to land a good job,” Vernon said testily.

 

He speared a chunk of meat with his fork and thrust it into his mouth. Suddenly, he gasped and clutched at his throat.  He tried to speak, but no sound came.  His face turned an alarming shade of purple.

 

“He’s choking!  Call the ambulance!”  

 

Petunia overturned her chair as she hurried to her husband’s side.  She pounded ineffectively on his back, and screamed again for Dudley to get help.

 

Luna drew her wand from her bag, and pointed it straight at Vernon. “ _Accio_ , meat,” she said calmly.  The chunk of meat flew from Vernon’s throat and landed on the tablecloth.  He coughed, and drew in great gulps of air as his color returned to normal.   

 

Petunia stared at Luna in horror.  “She’s one of _them!_ Dudley, get away from her!”

 

“I won‘t have any more freaks like Potter in my house, doing those unnatural magic tricks!” Vernon yelled.

 

“Dad, she saved your life,” Dudley protested indignantly, putting an arm around Luna.  

 

“Harry Potter happens to be one of my best friends.  He’s the bravest man I’ve ever known, plus he‘s very kind and caring.  I’m going to be a bridesmaid at his wedding next month,” Luna said, putting her wand away.  “I’m sorry to leave without any pudding, but I’m afraid I’d choke on it.  You don’t have to drive me home, Dudley.  I’m sure you have things to talk over with your parents.”

 

“No, I don‘t.  Mum, thanks for dinner.  I guess I’ll see you and Dad at graduation,” Dudley said.  

 

“Don‘t leave, Dudley,” Petunia begged, following them to the door.  “I’m sure you were deceived by this girl.”

 

Dudley had the door open, but he turned to face his mother.  “Actually, she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” he said.  “You’ll be seeing a lot more of her, so get used to it.  Now,” he added, grinning wickedly, “You’d better get the carpet cleaned.  Skerflugles multiply rapidly, don’t they, Luna?”

 

“Not as fast as nargles.” 

 

Luna returned his smile as he closed the door behind them.    


 

As soon as they were in the car, Luna removed her shoes. “That’s the last time I borrow Ginny‘s high heels,” she said, wriggling her cramped toes. 

 

“I’m sorry about all that,” Dudley apologized.  “I guess my parents are too set in their ways to ever change.”

 

“What matters to me is how you feel, Dudley,” Luna replied.  “Am I really the best thing that ever happened to you?”  
 

"You most certainly are,” Dudley said softly, leaning over to kiss her.  His elbow hit the horn, which emitted a sharp blast.  They laughed as they drew apart.  Luna took her radish earrings from her bag and put them on.  

 

“Now that’s more like it,” Dudley grinned.  “I’m sorry you didn’t get any pudding.  We can stop at a restaurant.”  

 

“I’d like that,” Luna smiled.  She snuggled close to Dudley as he drove them away from Little Whinging.                        

            

 


End file.
